Rookie Booze Cruise: High Seas Drama (Episode #8)

Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA


This is the end...



On Dry Island


"WHERE IS EVERYONE?! WHY IS IT ONLY ME AND MY ASSISTANT COACHES HERE?!" Peter Rabbit is yelling at the top of his lungs, looking for his followers.

He has no idea where those lazy bastards are.

And the ships keep getting closer and closer while they scramble around the island trying to do anything to stop the ships from landing.

They shoot health food bars shaped into cannons. Doesn't stop the oncoming ships. They try to dry up the ocean with Chris Pronger's constant chirping.

Doesn't work.

There is nothing stopping the oncoming ships.


Finally, they land and wave after wave of current and former NHLers storm the beach.

They are carrying weapons of varying sizes and degrees of danger.

It's a smorgasbord of things.

Peter Rabbit hides behind the wall of sand that he and his assistant coaches built before the horde landed.

Rex Pimp who is holding a switchblade in one hand and a chained Booby Ryan in the other is the first to speak, "We have come for the Nuge."


There is silence before Peter Rabbit pokes his head from below the sand wall. "I don't know to whom you are referring to."

Burrito rolls his eyes, "Shut up and just give us the rookie back before we storm your beach and tear apart everything you have built here."


Suddenly there is yelling and sand being kicked up in the air to the left of the horde.

Everyone stands still and watches as Peter Rabbit's Followers come running out of the forest.

There are a lot of current NHLers like Carey Price and Daniel Carcillo and the Staal brothers among the Followers. They are being led by Gingeroo and Salt 'n Pepper.
They come to a halt before reaching the horde.

Gingeroo approaches the leader of the horde and says,

"We are the former Followers of Peter Rabbit. We have found the light of debauchery and recklessness through the teachings of the Nuge."

"They've seen the Nuge, he's here!"

Dougie yells from the back of the horde.

That's when Peter Rabbit come out from behind the sand wall holding both Kaner and Bob Seguin in handcuffs.


There's a snuffle and a yell, "Let our Kaner go!!!" It's definitely Sharpie who becomes a little emotional over the other Patrick.

Peter Rabbit laughs manically, he doesn't even know what's right any more. "I will when I have every player in the NHL drinking my Kool-Aid. And it ain't as awesome as Shero-Aid, I can tell ya that."


The Gary Roberts steps forward, the permanent scowl even deeper than usual. "You're a freaking moron, let the kids go." And he levels the deathstare at Peter Rabbit, "I said, let the kids go and tell us where the Nuge is. Now."


No one says a word. Peter Rabbit stares silently while still holding onto the kids.

The horde is quiet.


Further in Dry Island


The Nuge is staring through the trees as the ships docked on Dry Island.

He keeps quiet, not wanting anyone to know that he is hiding there.

He listens to the fighting and the yelling and knows that it's all about him.


The guilt starts to eat away at his conscience.

And then he sees Dougie's face.

He looks so forlorn and desolate while holding a flag that says, 'Give Us The Nuge' and it makes the Nuge suddenly unhappy.

He knows what he has to do and he doesn't want to.

But it's his duty as the number one pick. It just is.

Taylor Hall did it before him and whoever the hell went first overall in 2009, well, he had to do the same.

They become the NHL's new toy.


On the beach of Dry Island


Any sane person would have been shivering in their underroos if The Gary Roberts stared at them like that but not crazy Peter Rabbit.

He laughs in the face of the horde and pulls the kids closer.

Then he pulls out a seashell gun from his pocket and holds it to Bob's head, "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!" when there's a rustling sound from behind the trees.

And the Nuge steps out.

He is in nothing but a loincloth and Carey Price leans over to his fellow Follower, Ryan O'Byrne and says "Dis betch needs to eat."


There is silence as everyone takes in the Nuge and the fact that he is finally found.

Then the Geezers start babbling and falling all over each other when they realize that their sweaty old-man dreams have come true.


And the Born-Agains start whooping in celebration because the Nuge has been found and they can join the Rookie Cruise.


And the Rookies begin to cry because they found their fellow brother.


And the Chaps clap themselves on the back for finding the Nuge in better condition than they found him.


"STOP IT! STOP IT!" The Nuge takes a step backward, wishing that he never left the jungle. When it is finally quiet, begins his tale.

"You know, getting abducted was the best thing that could have happened to me. I found the Followers here and helped them see the light." And the Followers bow down to him. "I realized that I have a role to play in the NHL and it's not just as a rookie center. I have to be the new toy for you guys to play with. And I'm okay with it."

The entire Dry Island breaks out into cheers and screams and everyone can't believe their wonderful fortune.

Until Peter Rabbit starts throwing seashells from his sand wall. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE, I WON'T LET YOU!"

But no one is listening.

Sharpie grabs the bullhorn, "Everyone can come aboard the Rookie Cruise. We have enough food and activities to do since the rookies haven't been on board in a while. Let's party like it's 1999!"


And the cheering gets worse.

The Chaps lead the way back to the Rookie Cruise with the Rookies, Geezers, Born-Agains, Followers and the Nuge following them on board.



The Rookie Cruise


There is actual mayhem on board as the Rookie Cruise ship sails in circles in Lake St. Clair.

Followers are drinking obscene amounts of alcohol with the Staals and Kaner leading the way in liters of alcohol consumed.





The Geezers are playing strip shuffleboard. It's not a pretty sight but the Gary Roberts is doing his best to motivate the Geezers to change their fatty food ways and start to exercise.


The Rookies are coloring in the upper decks, happy to have their Nuge back.

Happiest of all though are the Born-Agains. They are being put through all of the activities that the Chaps had planned for the Rookies.

Things like seminars on how to survive their first year in the NHL and how to buy the right pair of jeans for a hockey butt.

And while all of this is going on, the Nuge dances all alone in his cage high above the festivities.



The End.

On Our Soapbox: Hockey And Heels

(Man, we haven't been up here in a while. It feels good.)



As you know, we are girls. And like most girls, we have personal fashion preferences that we abide by every day.

For example, Henrik's complete obsession with high heels. It might actually be a sickness at this point but that's for a different post.

Henrik wears high heels everywhere she goes. Literally. This is not an exaggeration.

We went to Kennywood (an amusement park for those not familiar with Pittburgh) this summer and there's Henrik wearing her nude Guess heels on all of the roller coasters.

She wears them EVERYWHERE.

Even to Penguins games. She's perfectly fine going up and down the steps in the heels. It takes practice but after six years of only wearing heels, she can do it better than most of us in tennis shoes.

One day last season, we were going up the stairs to go to get some cheese fries when these four teenage boys who were sitting down started giggling. Then one said, "I hope that bitch falls down the steps in her heels."

We thought Noodles was going to bust a gasket.

She Orpik-eyed the boys and said, "Why would you say that? Is there something wrong with you that you think that's funny? You're disgusting."

That honestly quieted the boys down. But their comment is one that we've heard many, many times before.

It's from men and women who think that high heels have no place at a hockey game. But we have one question for you:

Who do you think you are, telling us what to wear at a hockey game?

This is the same problem we have with people commenting on the jerseys we wear at games. Are the heels really hurting how much you enjoy the game?

Are you personally offended when we come up the stairs in a cute pair of heels that match our jersey? Do we cheapen the game that we love by thinking that it would be nice to look good while attending a hockey game?


Is it really that big of a deal?

Guess what, it isn't. So take off that homemade Fashion Police badge that you're wearing and keep your outdated opinions to yourself.

(What we don't approve of are the signs that make female sports fans look like dumb bimbos but that's for another post, of course.)


We can wear whatever we want no matter what you say but it would be nice not to have to hear the comments or the snickers. We want to look good because who doesn't? Why should we dress down and wear something that we normally wouldn't just so that you won't laugh at us? It's stupid and something that we refuse to do.

Now, onto the other female fans in attendance at the arena.

We found this on Hockey Secrets on Tumblr.


Really? You think that just because we wear high heels to a game that we don't respect it? Do you really think that we don't understand what is going on just because we want to look good and feel comfortable when going to a sporting event?

We know what type of girls you are talking about. We get it and we've seen those girls. But why do you care? Who cares what they wear to a game? You shouldn't be so concerned with what we want to wear to a game. Female sports fans have a hard enough time being respected so don't attack your fellow sister. Unless she's screaming for Jordan Staal to look at her then we totally condone you elbowing the betch in the Chiclets.

Guarantee that we know way more about hockey than you but you don't hear us judging what other female sports fans wear to the arena. We don't care when you wear your precious obscure fourth-liner's jersey because you think no one else has heard of him. We don't care like Carey Price doesn't care.

We don't care when you show up in jeans and tennis shoes, that's all Noodles wears to games.

We don't care what you wear on any part of your body as long as you respect and know the game. We give you the benefit of the doubt until you show us otherwise. Why is that so hard for other female sports fans to understand? Why do girls have to be so catty and childish?

But this isn't limited to a few girls. We've been on the attack before and then felt terrible about it.

We know you've been there. You've seen the girl in the Crosby jersey making her way around the arena and she's wearing knee-high high-heeled boots.

And you roll your eyes and judge her, elbowing your friend and calling her a 'puck-slut'. We've all been there and we've all done it.

Well, why do you do that? Are you jealous that you are too scared to wear heels? Why do you care what another girl wears to an arena?

Why must we berate other female hockey fans for wearing whatever they want to wear. If they're tying their t-shirts to be belly shirts and spray-painting love letters to Kris Letang on their bodies, who cares? They're only making fools of themselves. It's not hurting you at all.

Why do you care?

Are you afraid that she will give the wrong impression to the guys there and they will think that all girls are just puck-sluts who only want to see how hot the players are.


We've got news for you, most guys already think that no matter what they see you wearing. We've been judged more when wearing a Team USA jersey and tennis shoes than a Penguins jersey and heels.

Women will always be seen as lesser sports fans than men. So why give them the pleasure of you making fun of your fellow female hockey fans for them?

Here's an idea...get to know the girl and then judge her. Sometimes the outside does match the inside and they're just as vapid about hockey as their outfit suggests. But we guarantee that most of the time that isn't true.

Let us wear whatever we want. It's not hurting you and it's making us feel good. Why bring us down when we're all cheering for the same sport and love the same game? It doesn't make sense to us at all.

High heels are a personal choice and one that many female sports fans make every game.

The fact that we can out-stat most male hockey fans and shame your hockey knowledge under the table just makes whatever we wear that much better.



(Thanks to Amelia for the email that got this train of thought rolling. And also for the Hockey Secrets confession for making us really mad.)