Rookie Booze Cruise: High Seas Drama (Episode #1)

Mouthguard has been working on this series for months now and we are beyond excited to get this started finally.



The first four parts are her and the last four parts are Noodles. We figured that a collaboration would be a lot of fun, to bring two minds that love sick humor and hilarious pictures together in one feature.



Hope you enjoy it.



-&-



Rookie Booze Cruise 2011: HIGH SEAS DRAMA



SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN...



"Lord have mercy..." Ice-T is shaking his head at his wife, Coco and her walk-in shoe closet.





Adam Burish and his bang-o-meter are watching both of them and Coco's shoes from the comfort of his bed. Until his iPhone rings. Sigh, oh okay okay alright. "YEEah? Dude what do you want? Do you know what time it is?"







"Hey sexy! What are you wearing?" It's the unmistakable snark of Burish's prankster-in-crime, Patrick Sharp.





Burrito: "A Nikita romper with matching vinyl pasties. And you?"



Sharpie: "Aw - did I interrupt your nighty-night beat-off session? Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays! Fuzzy slippers and buttfloss. The usual."



Burrito: "Whatever, 'Chicago's Sexiest' Buttmunch Wad. Shouldn't you be giving your wife a foot rub? (scratching his ass) This better be good because I'm in the middle of an 'Ice Loves Coco' marathon."





Sharpie: "Yeah yeah yeah. This is not only better than 'good', it's freaking EPIC. You will thank me and have your flight booked by the time we are done, honey bunny. (giggling like a school girl)



Listen, I just got a call from my peeps and you're not gonna believe this! The PA has put together this completely batshit 'inaugurational experience' for the Draft Class called 'The Rookie Cruise.' (can hardly talk) It's a total PR sham but whatever, right? The idea is the kids get to have a proper retro orgy before they officially go pro!" (cackles maniacally)



Burrito: "Wait - like, a 'last hurrah type' of hoedown?" (howling)





Sharpie: "That is correct, Sir!" (buah hah hah hah hah) But get this: They need 'chaperones' for the weekend to make sure nothing 'untoward' happens and also to usher them from brotheldom back to the squeaky clean Tidy Bowl that is the NHL when it's all over!!!" (wheezing) Wanna? We get to pick who comes with and coordinate their 'educational activities', man!"



Burrito: "NO WAY!!! For real? When do we start and where do we begin?" (jumps out of bed stark naked)



Sharpie: "TOMORROW, girlfriend! Book your buttcheeks a flight to 'scenic' Lake St. Clair and voila! - you're there and ready to board, baby! Pack some inappropriate loungewear and come up with three guys you want on our team. I already picked my three."



Burrito: "Easy! Who you got?"



Sharpie: "I got Steeger, Kes and Jumbo!"



Burrito: "I raise you and pick Jones, Biz and Colonel Angus!"



Sharpie: "Beauty!"



Burrito: "DONE!"



Sharpie: "Nighty-night honey."





Burrito: "Sweet dreams, pumpkin poops. I love you man. Oh, and thank you!"



Sharpie: "No - thank YOU!" (click)

_____________________________________________



For better or for worse, hockey players have had an undeniably special relationship with firewater since the dawn of time.



Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



Exhibit C:



Exhibit D:



Exhibit E:



Exhibit F:



Okay enough exhibits. You get the idea. For all their undeniable athletic prowess, hockey players are also guilty-as-charged closeted drunkards.





One of the grander time-honored NHL traditions is for a veteran to hold a rookie's hand and lock him in the lion cage in the Bigs. With a mountain of liquor. Without further ado and which mucho fanfare, behold.... ROOKIE BOOZE CRUISE 2011.







The Chaperones ("Chaps"):

Commodore Patrick Sharp ("Sharpie" - Chicago Blackhawks)





First Mate Adam Burish ("Burrito" - Dallas Stars)





"Dr." Ryan Kesler ("Kes" - Vancouver Canucks)





Catering Director Ryan Jones ("Jonesy" - Edmonton Oilers)





Communications Director Colby Armstrong ("Colonel Angus" - Toronto Maple Leafs)



Safety Director/Concierge Paul Bissonnette ("Biz Nasty" - Phoenix Coyotes)





Entertainment Directors Kris Versteeg ("Steeger/Verbeauty" - Florida Panthers)



and Joe Thornton ("Jumbo" - San Jose Sharks)







The Rookies ("Rookies"):



1. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins ("the Nuge" - Edmonton Oilers)





2. Gabriel Landeskog ("Skog" - Colorado Avalanche)





3. Jonathan Huberdeau ("Hubie" - Florida Panthers)





4. Adam Larsson ("Lars" - New Jersey Devils)





5. Ryan Strome ("Bob" - New York Islanders)





6. Mika Zibanejad ("Zibby" - Ottawa Senators)





7. Mark Schiefele ("Marky-Mark" - Winnipeg Jets)





8. Sean Couturier ("Coo-Coo" - Philadelphia Flyers)





9. Dougie Hamilton ("the Dougie" - Boston Bruins)





10. Jonas Brodin ("Brooks Orpik" - Minnesota Wild)





THE SHIP: SS BOOZE CRUISE









THE LOCATION: Beautiful, scenic Lake St. Clair.





Conveniently nestled along the Canada-U.S. border, Lake St. Clair is a sportsman's paradise and a no-brainer tourist destination for families from Escanaba, Michigan; Iron River, Wisconsin; Roseau, Minnesota; Dauphin, Manitoba; and Sudbury, Ontario who are looking to escape from it all to someplace idyllic and classy along the Detroit-Windsor corridor. World-famous for its cutting-edge sewage treatment plants and budget-conscious accommodations, Lake St. Clair is where you want to be if you can't decide between Canada or the States and most important, if you want to evade the long arm of maritime law. Yes. Perfect for a hockey player.





"What a DUMP!" Biz Nasty is holding his nose and complaining to Jumbo. "I can't believe I agreed to this!"



Jumbo: "You're kidding, right? You know that Lake St. Clair is fucking LAWLESS, right? It's stuck on the border and Canada and the States have been fighting over it forever. All they do is argue about which laws apply, and NONE of them apply! It's great! It means we can literally DO ANYTHING to these little punkasses and NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO US! Don't you get it?"



Biz grins and now the two of them are comparing their respective photos of Adam Larsson

and Dougie Hamilton with Ryan Strome.

)



Biz: "WTF am I looking at, Jum?"



Jumbo: "Dude you need to ease up on the sunscreen, eh? It's Lake St. Clair, not Montserrat. I dunno what you're looking at, but I've got me a sweet wannabe bromance in the making here. (smirks) How DARE they!"



Biz: "Is Lars reapplying leave-in conditioner here, or what?"



Jumbo: "Fuck if I know!"



Jonesy joins them and shows them his photo of the Nuge.



"OMG this is going to be so killer! LOOK at this!





Can you believe this freakball? He's gonna be my teammate!" (they're doubled over laughing) When did hockey players start looking like Strokes rejects?"



On perfect hipster cue, Strokes wannabe Sean Couturier wanders over to them with his 12 monogrammed Hermes goat leather suitcases.



"Excusez moi, but is this the 'Rookie Booze Cruise' boat?"



Biz: "Hey kiddo, what's shakin'? (trying not to laugh) You have come to the right place! You must be so excited. Chris Pronger can hardly wait to beat - er - meet you!" (tee hee hee)



Jumbo: "You found us! Yay! Lemme help you with your bags, bro. It's Sean, right?"



Coo-Coo: "C'est ca, ouais. Merci, mais j'chu bien capable --"



Jumbo: "Non non mon peetee ami merseeur. I got this! You just go get your friends and tell 'em Jumbo said to hurry the fuck up, 'kay? We're setting sail in t-minus 0-300 hours or something."



Coo-Coo corrals his fellow draftees and their luggage, and they excitedly clamor aboard. Lars and Skog are even holding hands.



Once the loading ramp doors are bolted shut, Colby Armstrong blows a whistle and gathers everybody around.



"Okay kids, listen up! My name is Colby and I am your cruise Communications Director. However, you should call me Colonel Angus from this moment forward! It's time to set sail! Here's what you need to know before we can get this party started! He pulls out a list and a megaphone, and yells out bullet points like so:



Captain Sharpie informs me that our course will consist of cruising around Lake St. Clair between Windsor and Detroit. But mostly we'll be cruising around in circles and dropping trou in the middle of the Lake. (much gasping and whooping)

You have been invited on this adventure because you're "special." This means you are NOT permitted to bring along significant others, pets, billets, parents, nutritionists, publicity reps or agents.



Most important, Patrick Kane - or any other jealous, "born again" rookie wannabe - can suck it and is absolutely banned from coming aboard. Geddit? If they are not on the guest list they will be bounced overboard end-of-story. This cruise did not exist when those losers were rookies so it's just boo frickity hoo and tough titties for them.



Me and my buddies are your official NHLPA-approved chaperones. You can call us the "Chaps" if you want. Ask us if you have any questions or concerns about your experience, but know that you are pretty much our virtual love dolls for this entire weekend.



Why?



Because Lake St. Clair is a lawless lake, that's why. Canadian and American maritime laws conflict here, so they cancel each other out. This means there is NO LAW ON THIS LAKE. (the Chaps cheer and applaud; the Rookies are suddenly nervous and clammy) So anything goes, bitches!!!



That said, maritime law states that you are permitted to bring anything you want aboard ship. But that doesn't mean you will be allowed to wear and/or use it! So hand over all your worldly possessions - yes, even that dorky luggage of yours, Coo-Coo - and take all your clothes off! NOW!!! (the Rookies hurriedly hand over their things and rip off their clothing; Verbeauty is pointing and laughing at Schiefele's privates) Don't worry. Your belongings will be returned to you but I can't say what kind of condition they'll be in. Sorry, boys!



You will also turn in your cell phones, iPods, iPads, laptops, beepers, chargers, 8-track tapes, Milkbones, pen knives and any color toner cartridges you might have brought with you. NOW!!! (the Rookies reluctantly hand over their gadgets/treats; Burrito promptly hacks into Skog's iPhone and e-mails himself photos of Skog's girlfriend penpals)



Jumbo has our official ROOKIE BOOZE CRUISE 2011 cruise-appointed uniform!!! (the Chaps are doubled over laughing) These are soon-to-be-collectible "Class of 2011" Snuggies that you ARE NOT ALLOWED TO REMOVE for the whole cruise. Geddit? You can't take these off, unless you're decorating them in the arts and crafts clinic that's coming up.





(Larsson is furious: "This is an outrage! You expect us to wear nothing but an ugly Snuggie for 3 days? Are you crazy? The backsides have been cut out of them!")



Wait a second - are you saying you don't like our Snuggies, Lars? (Chaps "whooo"; Colonel Angus makes a pouty face) Say it ain't so, kiddo! I think they look very fashion-forward! In fact, it looks like Zibby already has one! Good job, Zibby!

Look, you'll be encouraged to decorate and personalize your Snuggies in the arts and crafts clinic I just mentioned, 'kay? So it won't seem so bad. You'll see! But if any of you trolls has a serious moral problem with your Snuggie, you will be permitted to wear one of the following alternate cruise-issued items: An Oilers Tube Top (go Nuge!)



OR a Bruins Bikini (sexy eh Dougie?)!!! (Chaps are howling; Larsson is fuming)

Okay I'm going to turn the floor over to my colleague, Jonesy, who is your cruise Catering Director. Jonesy!"



The Rookies grudgingly put on their Snuggies as Jonesy proceeds to direct their attention to the "mini-bar refreshment stations" that are scattered throughout the vessel.



"Okay these fully-stocked mini-bars are located every 100 feet on this boat! How cool is that?" (Rookies cheer and start to feel better) "Here are instructional handouts on how to use the mini-bars, and your accompanying liquor checklist courtesy of our good friends and official Booze Cruise sponsor, Modern Drunkard magazine."



To quote Collette Reardon, 'It's a great time to be medicated!' but don't say we didn't warn ya!



Now, how about some Booze Cruise souvenir grab bags, eh? Jumbo, why don't you and Slappy give the boys some sugar!"





Jumbo and Slappy wheel in a luggage cart packed with brightly-colored grab bags for each of the Rookies.



"Hey kids - here's what's in your soon-to-be-collectible 'Class of 2011' grab bags!



Emergency Affirmation Buttons! (because you're awesome even if Coach repeatedly tells you you're not!)





A Do-It-Yourself Home Bidet System!





Fart Absorbers!





FlipFlop ChurchKeys! (Jones: "Oh man I want one of those!")





Grillz Candy! (just grape and apple though)





Handerpants! (Verbeauty: "These are SO FRICKING COOL guys!")





Home Tattoo Kits!





Instant Underpants! (awesome)





Pork Soda ('It's like drinking a pig!)





'Stache Candy





'Stache Pops (Colonel Angus: "A Movember must-have!")





Vampire Candy Corn Dolls (Verbeauty: "Just in time for Hallowe'en!")





The Rookies trample Slappy and Jumbo, tearing open their grab bags and scarfing down their candy like famished children. Six refreshment stations are emptied of their contents within seconds. But omnipresent signage by the grand staircase points them to their first Booze Cruise seminar...





END OF EPISODE 1....

Video Round-Up

Since it's technically a holiday weekend and we haven't done this in quite some time, we are going to get some fun videos for everyone to watch.



It's been too easy to load our blog anyway, time to slow it down with embedded videos.



-&-



George Parros and Anaheim firefighters helped raise money at Oogi's Pizza for charity.







Checking in with John Carlson



don't mind if we do





Let's meet TJ Brodie from the Calgary Flames



future DNF, quite possibly





Gary Roberts and James Neal



watch and learn





The Swedish Blackhawks painted some of the Hawks logo on their ice



Stalberg has no accent, if he wasn't so damn pretty we would think he was American





Ian Laperriere and his son, Tristan, face off in a US History test



weird but funny





In case you haven't seen it, here is the behind the scenes at the 2011 draft with Gabriel Landeskog







Martin Biron gives a tour of the Rangers locker room, equipment rooms and other places



And here is a link if you're interested in seeing all of the tour





The Blue Jackets kiddies cook things in the Nationwide Arena kitchen



Ryan Johansen, when did you grow up?





Michael Haley and Josh Bailey read to kids



We're sorry but, uh, Josh Bailey? What's with the chester 'stache? Trying to be like Gillies?





The fact that Dave Coulier is a Red Wings fan makes 'Full House' even better



but the pants he is wearing detract from that awesomeness....kind of





The Canadiens are featuring some vintage commercials that are just fantastic, even if they are in French







Ryan Jones and Theo Peckham battle on the golf course



Ryan Jones is hilarious, of course so this is a must-watch





Two awesome humans in one room



Dale Tallon & Erik Gudbranson, someone take our blood pressure cause it has to he through the roof from the excitement





Awkward Mike Richards



so awkward





Hurricanes held their first unofficial skate



more like Baby!Hurricanes





This is not a joke: Cal Clutterbuck takes a man shopping after winning a 'Be Like Clutter' contest



that was actually kind of fun





Marcus Foligno



you just know he's going to be a future obsession on the Hockey Junkies





It's kind of long but worth it...Blues Inside Access







Adam McQuaid put potatoes in the Stanley Cup



WTF





This is literally a video showing the FOOD that is present on Canucks flights



Where do they fly because we wanna come with

Date Night Friday: Ryan Kesler

So this date was a suggestion and written up by Elea. We cannot deny a Canucks fan this one pleasure since this summer has been so hard.



-&-



Hello, ladies.



This is Ryan Kesler and this is the date you will have with him should you choose to accept it:



He calls you up two days before your date and tells you he's taking you away somewhere for your first date. You think 'Paris' and spend four months salary at Holt Renfrew, picking up 4" Louboutins and a new dress by Ghost.





He picks you up on a Harley-Davidson, his bike leathers gleaming. You struggle onto the back of his bike, trying not to flash the neighbours, and he heads south. Okay, not Paris, but Seattle is pretty cool, you think, clinging to his hips.



You are clinging to his hips strictly out of consideration for his healing shoulder, not because you are having RK17 underwear flashbacks.



At the border crossing, he unzips his leather jacket to reveal his Olympic medal. The American border guards prostrate themselves and wave him through, and the two of you zoom through the warm evening air. To your surprise, he turns east instead of continuing south.





"Where are we going?" you yell, trying not to inhale small insects.



"You'll see," he says. You pull up at a roadhouse somewhere near Sumas, a small town that consists of a Christian radio station and some cows. When the hostess sees his Olympic medal, she prostrates herself but not before pointing to a booth in the back.

There are buckets of unshelled peanuts on each table. Patrons are encouraged to eat them and throw the shells on the concrete floor of the restaurant, which makes for a very crunchy walk to the restrooms.





After dinner, which consists of steak and baked potatoes, you hit the dance floor to 'Born to be Wild'. Kes is trying to let loose but tells you he's under strict instructions not to move his shoulders, so he dances only from the waist down.



It is extremely distracting because it is causing you to have RK17 underwear flashbacks, which makes dancing in stilettos on a floor of peanut shells even more dangerous.



Over desert he tells you that, although it's been a couple of months, it's still difficult to put The Loss in some perspective. You are confronted with the exquisite agony that is Manpain, and you are unable to tear your eyes away.





After dinner, you head north again, and when he gets to the front of the line at the Canadian border he unzips his jacket to reveal his Canucks jersey. The Canadian border guards prostrate themselves at the sight of it and wave him through.





He drops you at the first Skytrain station he comes to, explaining that he has to have an early night because training camp is starting soon.



You sink into a seat on the train and spend the trip home pulling off peanut shells that have become skewered onto your heels.



-&-



As always, you can comment and vote on this date.



Did you like Elea's rendition of a date with KesTroll? Was it something you would do and not tell anyone? That's our answer.



And do not forget that it's okay to lust after a rival as long as you know where your true allegiance lies in the morning.

News Break and Fantasy Hockey Questions

So we've had a couple of interested people email us with questions regarding our stance on fantasy hockey leagues.



Well, here's what we have to say. WE LOVE THEM. We especially love when we run our own and it becomes this monster that gets everyone texting/emailing each other with some good ribbing and trash-talking about each other's teams.



So we've been thinking of starting a Hockey Junkies Hockey League this season. What we would like is any input anyone here has about starting a league.



We want ideas for rules, any things you don't want to see, how things should be scored. Normally we do a team based on our favorite players whether they accumulate points or not and see who has the better-looking and better-playing 'husbands/boyfriends/favorite players'.



If you would like to participate in that, let us know. If you have any other input about anything to do with the league just comment here and/or email us with the headline of 'hj fantasy league' so we know what's up.



We're going to get this started next Sunday (9/11) with a tentative draft and/or submission of teams.



-&-



- NHL.com had the key questions facing the Western Conference teams and the Eastern Conference teams.



- Jeff Skinner is ready for the sophomore jinx and says, 'Bring it beetches.'



- Mike Cammalleri pretty much says the same thing although with a little more flair.



- The fish-faced and determined Taylor Hall is ready to put his injury behind him and get his sophomore season started.



- Who else is really excited for Brendan Shanahan to take over Colin Campbell's old position? We cannot wait.



- Logan Couture re-signed with the Sharks, a deal for two years worth 5.75 million dollars. Good for Juicy.



- The Phoenix Coyotes traded Lee Stempniak to the Calgary Flames for Daymond Lnagkow.



- Icethetics has a look at the new/third jerseys that will be coming to the NHL this season. Some are interesting and a few are just downright UGLAY.



- It looks like Marc Savard will be done for the 2011-2012 season.



- The Columbus Blue Jackets gave Fedor Tyutin a six-year extension. Damn, that's a long time.



- Another six-year deal came in the form of James van Riemsdyk re-signing with the Philadelphia Flyers.



- And the summer of death continues with the passing of Wade Belak yesterday in Toronto. It's really a shame and we just want this sadness to stop.



- Apparently there are allegations from fans that views a video on Caps365 that Alexander Ovechkin is out of shape. We had to laugh while reading this article.



- Dustin Byfuglien was arrested in Minnesota for boating while intoxicated. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And here's the mugshot



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, oh my god we can't stop.

One-A-Day: Pittsburgh Penguins

Sadly, the Penguins are the last of the One-A-Days. It is by far one of our funnest features on the blog and the one that definitely gets the fans out from their summer slumber.



Thanks to everyone who participated and also to the commenters on the posts because both make the blog a better place to visit.



-&-



Pittsburgh Penguins





Where do we even start? There are so many things to discuss: the terrible start to the season/Fleury's failure then they kicked it into high gear in November, 'the concussion', the Brawl on Long Island, so many injury woes, the Tampa Bay Lightning spanking, the Talbot un-signing. So many things to discuss.





But we go for the hard-hitting news here, as always. And one thing that has been on our mind is 'What jersey should Noodles buy for the season?' Seriously, it has been.



Kidding. Although that is for another post.



What we want to talk about is the future of the Penguins. Everyone knows what happened last season.



What we don't know is what is going to happen this season.



Shero tried unsuccessfully to sign Max Talbot to a three-year contract but that wasn't to be. And Jagr said 'see ya later' and jumped ship to the Flyers. It seemed like no one was left for Shero to sign.



But he's always been the king of the high risk/high reward signings/trades. And the underrated ones. For example, Petr Sykora. He was streaky but he was a huge part of the Penguins Cup run. An example of a bad one would be Alexei Ponikarovsky. We pretend that it didn't happen.



This past offseason, Shero signed Steve Sullivan to a one-year deal. We are extremely excited to see him in a Penguins uniform because we believe in Shero's Kool-aid and drink it with a smile on our faces.





We only have hope for this upcoming season. Every team is on the starting line and even with one another. (Except for the Senators, we don't know what happened there). Every team has a chance, for the first month of course.



There are several things that we're excited about as Penguins fans. And here they are in a Top Ten sort of way.



01. the return of Sidney Crosby (it will happen and he will be glorious)



02. James Neal playing with Crosby, excuse us while we fan-girl over that tandem





03. everything that Craig Adams chooses to be



04. maybe Matt Cooke has changed, well, now it's proving time Mister



05. apparently Malkin is ready for this season, hopefully that means Canadian ready and not Russian ready because there is a difference



06. Steve McIntyre's first fight in a Penguins uniform, lifelong fans will be made when he does



07. this is Eric Tangradi's last chance to prove it or lose it





08. Jordan Staal and his exasperated face will be on our television screens for the next six or so months



09. hey Dan Bylsma, how you doin'?



10. Marc-Andre Fleury's saves



11. the hope and the sadness and the joy and the screaming and the roller coaster games that this team has us go through year after year



Ray says, "Let's get this party started, peasants."



Now, onto the team.



-&-



General Manager - Ray Shero



Coach - Dan Bylsma





Team Captain - Sidney Crosby



Player(s) everyone should love - Craig Adams



if you ask why, please stop reading this blog



Player we don’t love - still Arron Asham, personal taste



Who they got - Jason Williams, Steve Sullivan, Alexandre Picard & Steve McIntyre



Who they lost - Mike Rupp, Eric Godard, Max Talbot, Brett Sterling, Boris Valabik, Corey Potter, Ryan Craig, Chris Conner, Mike Comrie & John Curry





Located at - Consol Energy Center (home of the impossible exit)



-&-



Hotness level - 6



Keep your earrings on, ladies. There are reasons for the number. Every team starts with a 10 and we work from there.



The loss of Mike Rupp's family values and dirty mouth took the Penguins down a notch. And so did the loss of Eric Godard. We are still mourning the departure of the nicest man ever. Both of their departures impact the hotness level by docking four points total. That's a 6.



The addition of James Neal adds two points. So that's an 8. And Deryk Engelland's defense combined with Zbynek Michalek's face gives the team another point. If you're following, 9 right now.



But then there's a minus for Kris Letang's hair when he has it tooooooo long. And another one for Boris Valabik and another minus for Arron Asham. That's 6.



We can't forget about Sidney Crosby's booty-bounce and his skillz. That's a point. Then another for Chris Kunitz's voice and hedgehog hair. Now that's another 8.



As we continue down the roster, there's a plus for Eric Tangradi's face. So far, 9. And a minus for Paul Martin the Keebler Elf. And another two minuses Pascal Dupuis's unibrow. So unsexy.



So there you have it, 6. Whew, that was hard.