Imagine our shocked faces when we realized that we have never dated a Staal boy. Never. That's just unheard in our line of work.
We feel that we have let down our general female population/readers and we want to apologize. It might be because we never liked the obvious pick but even this is too much for us.
Anyway, enjoy the date!
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Helloooooooo ladies. I don't think I need to introduce myself but just in case, my name is Staal, Jordan Staal.
And I am the son of a sod-farmer with extremely buff arms and beautiful blonde hair. It happens only in Canada. I am the best looking Staal but my brothers aren't too bad.
Okay, onto the date.
I have planned the perfect evening for us. It starts out in the afternoon when I take you to get my favorite food ever, pierogies. I like to smother them in butter and onions but don't tell coach.
After that indulgence, I take you to my favorite place in all of Pittsburgh: the zoo. We start with the tigers and pandas and work our way throughout, aw-ing at the cutest animals and making fun of the crazy-looking ones.
I buy you a stuffed polar bear because I saw you looking at it and hand it to you as we leave the park. I have to admit, it's a pretty suave move on my part.
In the car, we listen to the radio and sing along all the way to your house.
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Did you like this innocent date with Mr. third Staal?
Are pierogies and the zoo your type of date?
Let us know either by voting or in the comments section.
I was just going to post this picture but… I thought that would be lazy.
What else can you say about a team that missed the playoffs on the last day of the season by one point. ONE POINT!! BTW…you’re welcome Blackhawks.
Although calling the whole season a disaster isn’t entirely fair. The boys did spend a few glorious weeks a top the Pacific. Injuries to key players & a slump down the stretch is what ultimately caused them to miss the playoffs for the third consecutive season. But still…ONE POINT!!
The off season also had it’s share of drama with the firing of head coach Marc Crawford & the endless rumors about new ownership. Then came THE BRADPOCALYSE & with it two months of OMGZ IS HE GONNA STAY OR NOT. When he didn’t, GM Joe did what many who’ve been dumped before him have done…he went on a shopping spree. He ended up signing seven players, adding much need depth at forward & on the blue line. He even found this team’s unicorn.
Now there are so many questions about the Stars. How will they do without Brad Richards? Which of the new acquisitions will have the most immediate impact? How will new head coach Glen Gulutzen handle his first NHL job? Will this team ever get sold!?! Will they ever change the goal song? Finding out the answers to these, & about a million other questions, is what has me crazy excited for the new season to start.
Go Stars!
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Owner – The Lenders
Y'all’s teams may have real life owners with real life names but, they don't sound as Bond villain like as The Lenders.
General Manager – 2011 Hall of Fame inductee Joe Nieuwendyk Soak in the foxiness people. Soak it in.
Coach – Glen Gulutzen
Team Captain – Kris Letang's worst nightmare.
Oh, yeah I went there!
Players Everyone Should Love -
Jamie Benn Is an absolute manamial on the ice! He scores, isn't afraid to get physical (just ask Jarome Iginla), & is an all-round BAMF. Plus, he’s cute too.
Adam Burish The fact that the boys only managed four wins in his absence is still an unsolved mystery.
Loui Eriksson The underrated Swede is always one of the team leaders in goals & is a beast of a two way player. He’s also the hair apparent to B-Rich. Fun fact: Loui was a guest at Henrik Lundqvist's wedding.
Kari Lehtonen The giant, bendy, squishy faced Finn saved this team’s bacon on more than one occasion last season. Plus, he always has the sickest mask in the league.
Players We Don't Love –
I was so ready to go on about Jeff Woywitka & how his bone-headed play cost the team at least a point a game but, he wasn't re-signed. So, I guess I'll pick Mike Ribiero. It's mostly because he thinks he's gansta.
Tweet, Tweet - Here’s a list of Stars on twitter: @RalphStrangis (Ralph Strangis) & @Razor5Hole (Daryl Reaugh) the best announcing duo in the game. @KrysBarch (Krys Barch) @SSouray (Sheldon Souray) @gollygoose33 (Alex Goligoski). Follow these guys and all of your dreams will come true.
New Kids on the Block – Jake Dowell, Vernon Fiddler, Michael Ryder (the unicorn!), Radek Dvorak, Adam Pardy, Eric Godard, Sheldon Souray & head coach Glen Gulutzen
Bye, Bye, Bye - Jamie Langenbrunner, Aaron Gagnon, Jeff Woywitka, Karlis Skrastins, Brandon Segal, Brian “Darren” Sutherby, Jason Williams & (of course) Brad Richards le sigh
Up And Comers - Here’s some prospects we hope to see playing with the big boys in the next few years.
Jack Campbell - G Fun fact: Given the best goalkeeper award & was a tournament All-Star selection at the 2011 World Jrs.
Jamie Oleksiak - D Fun fact: Is 10ft tall & weights a ton. You can also follow Jamie on the twitters @jamieoleksiak
Located at – Dirk's house
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Hotness level (on a scale of 1 to 10) - 9
After losing sexy beast James Neal in a mid-season trade & Brad Richards to free agency, the hotness level of the Stars looked bleak. The signing of one Mr. Studly Wonderbomb changed all that. He alone is worth at least four points.
Add to that the adorableness of Jamie Benn. The sexy way Alex Goligoski skates. BURRITO! Trevor Daley, who was voted the 3rd best looking athlete in DFW sports
& half a point each for cutie prospects Reilly Smith
& Sean Backman. Fun fact: Sean is the brother-in-law of Matt Moulson (NY Islanders) & Jonathan Quick (LA Kings)
That equals a total of 9.
In the grand tradition of…umm…last year. I will now end this with a video for your viewing pleasure. Here’s one of the boys playing with their sticks.
It was another decent season by the Kings. Jonathan Quick looked good. The trade for Dustin Penner was okay (not something we would do but it could still pan out, you never know). And there was pretty decent scoring.
Things looked good going into the playoffs.
Until Ryan O'Byrne decided that Anze Kopitar was the enemy and tackled him into the end boards and broke his ankle. At least that's what we saw.
That and the hopes and dreams of the Kings and their fans rushing down the drain faster than a wedding ring in the movies.
The playoff games were amazing though. Almost every single one went into overtime and had us on the edge of our seats. Until Joe Thornton and his stupid face ruined it for us.
We thought that everything was going well for the Kings until Dean Lombardi took some of Dale Tallon's crazy pillz and traded Brayden Schenn and Wayne Simmonds and half of their gym equipment for Mike Richards. That was a trade to be reckoned with. We hope, along with Kings fans, that this is the trade that works our for them...
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General Manager - Dean Lombardi
Coach - Terry Murray
Team Captain - the charitable Dustin Brown
Player(s) everyone should love - Rob Scuderi, he's the rock on the blueline
Player we don’t love - Kevin Westgarth only because of the hair
Who they got - Mike Richards, Simon Gagne & Colin Fraser
Who they lost - Wayne Simmonds, Brayden Schenn, Michal Handzus, Ryan Smyth & Alexei Ponikarovsky
Located at - Staples Center
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Hotness level - 7
Three reasons why: 2 pts. for Drew Doughty's smile, 3 pts. for Alex Martinez's whole face and 2 pts. for the Davis Drewiske scowl. Our reason is mathematically accurate.
Then the Sharks signed Colin White to a one-year contract.
- The US Hall of fame named their inductees. Chris Chelios, Gary Suter, Keith Tkachuk, Mike Emrick and Ed Snider.
- VERSUS will be renamed the NBC Sports Network on January 2, 2012.
- The Islanders bid for a new arena was defeated in the polls by voters in Nassau County.
- Some good news (maybe) for the Islanders is that Evgeni Nabokov says that he will be joining the team when training camp starts.
- And the Islanders also re-signed Blake Comeau to a one-year contract while avoiding arbitration.
- Did anyone else find this highly disturbing to see on their screens when checking on NHL.com? It kind of stunned us to see that October is coming soon.
- It seems that Nikolai Zherdev has returned to the Motherland and signed with a team in the KHL.
- Ryan Kesler had surgery on his labrum and will be recovering for 10-12 weeks.
- David Perron will not be ready for the 2011-2012 season. And it seems that it's bad news that this fact is already known and training camps haven't even started yet.
- The Blackhawks re-signed Patrick Sharp to a five-year contract extension. We heard a lot of squeals from the Windy City when this was announced.
- Shea Weber re-signed with the Predators, a one-year deal worth 7.5 million which makes him the highest paid defenseman in the league. Boom.
Man, the Sharks. Where do we even begin? Seriously? It's almost too easy to make fun of them though we know that MouthGuard would want us to.
We will try to steer clear of the most obvious jokes. Try our hardest, of course.
The season ended poorly for the Sharks, getting run over by the Canucks in a brutal series. Big players didn't show up again and not to make excuses but injuries were a huge part of it. But it can't be counted as a failure since they did make it to the Conference Finals. The Canucks were hot, what did you expect?
The off season for the Sharks has been a little more interesting and intriguing. Gone is Dany Heatley and his uncontrollable stick. Gone is Devin Setoguchi and his bromance with Logan Couture.
In with the new. The Sharks defense corps has been almost completely overhauled. Brent Burns had brought his smiling face to the Bay Area to clean up in the d-zone. And Jim Vandermeer is here to fuck shit up.
Hopefully for the Sharks and their fans, this is the team to do some damage in the playoffs.
Player(s) everyone should love - Brent Burns It ain't cheating if we've liked him FOREVER. Who doesn't like a guy that has missing teeth and love reptiles?
Player we don’t love - Doug Murray We just got shivers...in a bad way.
Who they got - Brent Burns, Martin Havlat, Jim Vandermeer, Andrew Murray, Colin White & Michal Handzus
Who they lost - Scott Nichol, Kent Huskins, Ian White, Jamal Mayers, Ben eager, Devin Setoguchi & Dany Heatley
Located at - HP Pavilion
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Hotness level - 5
We feel that a five is as accurate as we can get with this. It does help that Dany Heatley and his perm are gone but Brent Burns can only do so much with the team that he's given. We gave an extra point for the cute that is Jamie McGinn.
Last season started out mediocre at best for the Ducks. They were mired in a strong Pacific Division and battling it out with the Sharks, Stars, Kings and Coyotes for playoff spots.
That was until (S)Corey Perry decided to wake the f up and become the NHL's reigning Hart and Rocket winner. We're still proud of our little princess.
The Ducks were the hottest team going into the playoffs and no Western Conference team wanted to be up against them. They gave it everything they had in the first round but the Predators were a tough team as well.
This upcoming season will not be without it's trials for the (mighty) Ducks. There are questions abounding about the Ducks' goaltending situation. Will Jonas Hiller be healthy for another grueling season? Who is going to be the backup? These are questions that keep Bob Murray up all night. At least he doesn't have to worry about the waffling of Scott Niedermayer on retirement anymore. Oh wait, what about Teemu Selanne? There is that question...
But what we're excited about is Cam Fowler. He had a pretty decent offensive year for being a baby and we want to see if he can improve on that (and his defensive side) this season. We can only hope for the best.
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General Manager - Bob Murray
Coach - Randy Carlyle (scariest coach in our opinion)
Team Captain - Ryan Getzlaf
Player(s) everyone should love - Bobby Ryan It seems like an obvious choice because he's quite photogenic and has a 'great sense of humor' but it was still hard. Can you hear us swooning?
Player we don’t love - Jason Blake (for personal reasons)
Who they got - Andrew Cogliano, Kurtis Foster, JF Jacques & Matt Smaby
Who they lost - Jarkko Ruutu, Ray Emery, Andreas Lilja, Andy Sutton & Kyle Chipchura
Located at - the Honda Center
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Hotness level - 6
A slight improvement over last season because Bobby Ryan got hot. And Cam Fowler played some pretty good hockey for being twelve and in the NHL. And they traded Andy Sutton for Andrew Cogliano and who doesn't love a clueless 'Jersey Shore' look-alike?
It's still shocking that we're still doing this after three years of tasteless jokes and horrible photoshopping jobs. But we guess that there are worse blogs than ours still out there in existence.
Like every other three year old we know, we just say what we want and think that we're right.
Because to us, we're always right about whatever we talk about.
But of course this blog takes a group effort and we would like to thank you guys for being there for us when we lost our way or needed some helping inspiration.
You know who you are. The beetches who email us great tips and pictures and ideas. The ladies who leave us great comments all the time. And the creepers who read and lurk (we love you, too). We love each and every one of you, even the trolls. You make this blog worth it and are the reason why we're in existence for another year. Thank you!
In honor of our birthday, we have created a crossword based on the players that we talk about allllll the time on the blog. It's a picture so you gotta print it out and then fill it out.
Have fun with it!
And we will see you tomorrow with the first of our One-A-Days!
