Tyler Seguin: Pimp In Training

Lately, we've been noticing a sudden emergence of a new wanna-be pimp. He's made an immediate impact in the Stanley Cup play offs. He almost overtook Taylor Hall for the number one spot in last year's draft. And he is fast becoming an integral part of his team's organization.

If you already know who we mean, then you truly think like us.

Say hello to your new Pimp in Training.

His name is Tyler Seguin and he plays for the Boston Bruins, bitches.

Now, you may ask yourself what exactly makes someone a wanna-be pimp. What does it take to be a badass, blazer-wearing mothereffin' pimp?

Patrick Kane knows.

He is the ultimate in wanna-be pimpness. (Notice that we say 'wanna-be' because the kids will never be actual pimps.) Kane knows what it takes to be hot with the ladies and be the ultra-cool hockey player.

It's all in his head, of course.

It starts with the attitude.

Wanna-be pimps think that they are hot-shit and can't do anything wrong. They think that women fall at their feet and they get whatever they want.



It is this attitude, this feeling that they are superior to anyone else and that they know what it takes to be cool, that keeps them running as wanna-be pimps.

Next step is the outfit.

These boys know how to dress (most of the time, of course). They wear pin-striped suits and have wrinkled shirts that scream 'I just had sex. With a woman'.



Sometimes hats will adorn their heads to just show how devil-may-care they are and how much they don't care what you think about them.



Now we go to the face.

Their eyes are lazy and uncaring, showing that they don't care what you think and they do whatever the hell they want.



Because they think that they're badasses. Duh. And as long as they think that they are the ultimate woman-magnet, that's all that matters.

Then there's the smirk.

Oh, that half-smile that just screams 'I don't give a shit about you or your real-world rules'. It's essential to be a wanna-be pimp.



And speaking of the face, there is also the most important face that a wanna-be pimp has to have: the 'bitch-please' face.



Every wanna-be pimp has it and they use it whenever they feel they are being wronged.

Now, we move onto the posture of a wanna-be pimp.

A wanna-be pimp walks like he doesn't care, like he has a limp on one side and just doesn't give a shit about it.



He also slouches in chairs and gives the thumbs-up sign a lot of the time. Just to show that he is cool enough to be perfectly alright in any situation.




These are the seven things that every wanna-be pimp has to have to exist in the world.

After our extensive research, we have found that Tyler is the next pimp in training and we think that he has an excellent master in Patrick.

The two of them can be each other's wingman and get all the bitches they want.

Can you imagine that night out? We'd take one for the team.


Tyler Seguin is becoming the new wanna-be pimp of the NHL and could over-throw Patrick Kane as the ultimate wanna-be womanizer.

Only time will tell.

Stanley Cup Finals: Game Two

Yet again, MouthGuard outdoes herself. One of the best recaps ever.

-&-

WHAT SHE SAID:
THE 2011 STANLEY CUP FINALS REENACTED BY FOR REAL (and not currently bogus) READY FOR PRIME TIME PLAYERS!!!
GAME 2 RECAP

Are you fricking kidding me? WTF is going on with the weirdo goals with mere nanoseconds left or barely a ketchup chip crunch into OT? I had barely busted into my ketchup Humpty Dumpties when 2011's version of La Petite Peste seized the day and pantsed Timmy T. Or so I thought...

Here's what really happened, sweetie darlings. Here's how it all went down:


- Relax. It's not 2011. It's 1983!!!

- With less than 11 seconds into overtime, Washington's DALE HUNTER (RW) scores the GWG on the Islanders' BILLY SMITH!!!



- Billy throws a major hissy in the Isles' locker room immediately thereafter, trashing everybody's stall and forcing bowl upon bowl of red, white and orange M&M's down Mike Bossy's nostrils. But his tantrum is neither here nor there, because as we all know the Isles go on to win the Cup quite convincingly and Billy emerges as the Dark Knight hero/Conn Smythe winner at that.


- The volatile and versatile Petite Peste revels in his 15 minutes, showing the world just how futile it is for goalies to get show-offy and duct-tape their buttcracks

The media convinces everybody that the series is a lock for Peste and his teammates. Much revelry ensues on the flight back East for Game 3...

- Peste's method of quashing jet lag involves multiple cans of 50 and stuffing an enormous bag of "oregano" up Mason Raymond's butt.


- Very funny, Peste. Very funny. But remember: There's a very fine line between stupid and clever.

- Oh, and for relevant background on Mr. Lapierre, look no further than Veruca Salt's "All Hail Me"

The Draft Combine, Signings & Other News

- So, the combine started on Tuesday and went all week in Toronto. It's been a hectic couple of days for the kids leading up to the draft at the end of this month.

Speaking of the combine, every team has their own specifications on what they look for when doing the combine.


- The Dallas Stars will not be signing free agent Brad Richards which is just awful news for Stars fans. (Thanks to Shanny for the link).


- Brendan Shanahan is now the new disciplinarian for the NHL. This excites us to no end.


- The Florida Panthers named Kevin Dineen as the new head coach. Let's hope this one lasts.


JS Giguere had surgery and is a free agent and now he has no idea what is going to happen to him by July 1st.


- There was no disciplinary action for Alex Burrows biting Patrice Bergeron in Game One because there was "no conclusive evidence".


- Dan Hamhuis is injured and it is time for someone to step up and be the second half of the greatest shutdown pair ever.


- Sidney Crosby has been cleared by a doctor to begin off-ice training. Yay! Hopefully he will be ready to skate by January! Yay!


- Elliotte Friedman has his 30 Thoughts and his opinion on the Winnipeg front office situation.



Signings Happening:

- Hal Gill was re-signed by the Canadiens to a one-year deal.

- The Rangers obtained the rights to Tim Erixon (and a fifth round pick) from the Flames (signed him) in return for Roman Horak and a pair of second-round picks.

- The Blues re-signed Roman Polak to a five-year deal.

- Drew Stafford was re-signed by the Sabres to a four-year contract.



Winnipeg News:

- Don Waddell will not be moving with the team to Winnipeg.

- And Rick Dudley will not be the GM for the Thrashers. This will be a totally new look management team.

- Tickets have been going at such a fast pace it is ridiculous. In the first four hours, 1,900 tickets were sold then 4,000 plus seats were sold on day two. They reached the season ticket goal in four minutes.

Amazing.

Videos For A Friday

First up, we have Bradley Cooper in a hockey-themed skit on SNL.

Bradley Cooper Hockey Sketch from Sabrina on Vimeo.

Me gusta Will Forte's accent. And the mustache.


Then we have Bono talking about Gilbert Brule picking him up as he walked along the road in Vancouver.



And this is from Shanny and it's a video of Tally singing about the Thrashers moving to Winnipeg.

(there is swearing so NSFW, bitches)


If you've ever wondered what we do when we see hockey players out, click this link.

We double-dog dare you.

Stanley Cup Finals: Game One

Mouthguard gave us this great idea to recap the games that we saw and not the games that actually happened since this Finals isn't as interesting to us as other years.

Well, she went ahead and did the first game and we think it's a fantastic representation of what we saw.

-&-

WHAT SHE SAID:
THE 2011 STANLEY CUP FINALS REENACTED BY FOR REAL (and not currently bogus) READY FOR PRIME TIME PLAYERS!!!

Hey, hockey fans! What did you think of Game 1 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals? The dust has settled since Wednesday, and now you're likely twiddling your thumbs, waiting around for Game 2 on Saturday, right?

You probably thought you were watching the Vancouver Canucks and the Boston Bruins battling furiously to win in Vancouver, didn't you?

And no doubt, your eyeballs told you that with less than 20 seconds to go in the third period, Raffi Torres swatted one past Tim Thomas and the Canucks won, eh?

Well the thing is, as much as you're absolutely right you're also utterly and completely wrong. Game 1 was an annoying trip to the dentist because the teams are a pain in the ass, the players are ugly and let's be honest: Nobody cares about the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals. It's okay. It's me talking here, on your behalf. 'Cause I calls it like I sees it and I could care less what anybody thinks.

Everybody knows we're all bored and disappointed, and we're fantasizing about a billion alternate scenarios for this bitch just so that next season can get the party started already.

Wouldn't it be easier to take if for real - as opposed to the currently bogus - players "reenacted" the key action in each game? Of course it would!

So here's what really happened, sweetie darlings. Here's how it all went down:

- Relax. It's not 2011. It's 1995!!!

- With less than 20 seconds to go in the third period, Vancouver's PAVEL BURE (LW) scored the GWG on Chicago's ED BELFOUR!!!


- Ed felt super bummed by this, because the night before he had gone to considerable lengths to befriend, woo and intoxicate Bure, Mats Sundin and a bunch of other 'Nucks in a vain attempt to give them tin foil Goldschlager hangovers in time for Game 1.
.
This lame ruse was Doomed As Doomed Could Be, as Ed Belfour's hero Ed Grimley used to say, because

- If anybody ever understood how to hold his liquor and keep the party going it was Pavel Bure: You know, the impossibly pretty, Mr. Third Cousin To - But Thrice Removed from - the Tzarina.

It's never a good idea to try to get a Russian shitfaced, thinking this person will somehow not be able to function as per usual the next day. WTF?

- Holy Donut Cake, Mr. Ed.



There.

Isn't this just so much better than what you THOUGHT you saw Wednesday night? But I could be wrong. What did YOU think YOU saw during Game 1?

Choose your cast members wisely, because in the glory days players got a fresh series of rabies shots before the playoffs which effectively renders the Alex Burrows love bite on Patrice Bergeron historically impossible/moot.

2011 Media Day: Booooring

There is seriously a lack of pictures and we've been trying. Maybe it's because we can't access Canadian websites for fear of their awesomeness leaking into America or something like that.

Or maybe our search skillz are lacking these days with the heat and all.

Anyway, here is our Media Day (favorite day besides when they give away the Stanley Cup) recap with the pictures that we found appropriate.


So when it first starts out, we are greeted by Deb Placey's voice and we know that we're in for a long night.

We can't help that we don't like her, she's leathery and annoying.

Then the camera pans and we can see who the rest of the panel is: Mike Johnson (yummy), Marty Turco (funny) and Kevin Weekes (getting better as the seasons progress).

Okay, this won't be so bad.

The first glimpse we get of hockey players is fast.

We feel like paparazzi stalking their next victim as we shouted out who was who and what body part we saw in a hooded sweatshirt.

BTW, what is up with the hooded sweatshirts?

Last season and now this one. We remember the days when the kids wore pressed suits and combed their hair.

Nowadays, we're lucky Kesler put a hat on his sex hair.

But that's the word of the day: hooded sweatshirt.

First up are the Vancouver Canucks.

Anyway, the first action we get is Oreskovich and Hodgson sitting at the kids' table and waiting for someone to let them in on the fun.

Seven Kevin passes them up without a second look.

Next, we're treated to Billy Jaffe face-raping Alex Edler with a microphone.

He says nothing interesting like all Swedes. They're pretty but they're also really bland and never have any fun scandals up their sleeves (most of the time).

Oh hi, Canucks German.

He's hiding in his hooded sweatshirt. Like a baby German turtle.

Now it's one of the twins.

We wrote down that it was Daniel buuuuuut we could be wrong, there is about a 50% chance that it was Henrik.

Alex Burrows claims that he has nothing to worry about since his wife takes care of the baby. He said it about fifty times.

Now, this may be shallow but we really wish that his wife would pluck his eyebrows. Or get him a wax for Father's Day.

Then we get to see Chris Higgins crashing in on the panel. He's got a great beard.

It's pretty sweet.

Jeff Tambellini is quite attractive.

But the only thing he's asked about is his father and how he feels being the Oilers GM while his son is playing for the Cup in Vancouver.

Unfortunate.

Tanner Glass drive-by!

The panel was excited to see him.

Ryan Kesler is a hot commodity.

He says that he wasn't injured in the San Jose game, he left his iron on. Duh. We called to remind him, that's why he left so fast.

Hi, Luongo.

Bye, Luongo.

We cannot like him. It is not allowed.

Oh, we can't help it. He's pretty and French, you know how girls get.

We will never make fun of Kevin Bieksa no matter how bad or awesome he plays. Like we always say, he is a major badass and can/will murder you in your sleep with one look.

No joke.

Then coach/general manager are at the tables. That's our cue for lunch.

Now onto the Boston Bruins.

We feel that we missed something for the Bruins. Like Chara and Krejci and Seguin, or maybe they didn't show up?

But we think that our recording shut off too early and we missed the interviews.

First up is Cam Neely.

His looks are still holding up which is surprising for a hockey player.

The cameras show a glimpse of the Bruins as the first wave of interviews come into the room.

Again it was like stalking our next victim as we tried to find out who was where and where they were going.

The first interview is Shawn Thornton.

And he bitches about the last time he was there and no on came to talk to him. He waited the whole time and almost no one came to see him.

Haha.

Tomas Kaberla.

Creepy beard.

Nathan Horton: sitting until something more interesting than Billy Jaffe comes along. Or someone says something about him sitting during an interview.

How does he have perfect teeth? It's amazing.

Patrice Bergeron.

Yet another human that we will never speak ill will of. He is almost the perfect human. Even with the yellow crocs.

Then we get a glimpse of Tuukka Rask and his hair.

The hair, my jeez, it's like a girl's. Of course LeTude loves it and swoons over it. Her choice in men is not something we can approve of.

Another German. Alert the media! Dennis Seidenberg is fact GERMAN in case you had NO IDEA that he was from that part of the world.

They keep telling us, over and over.

Another former Canadien joins the panel, Michael Ryder.

And they bring up how he and Claude Julien are BFFs forever and he's been coached by him for every level of hockey.

The last time Chris Kelly was in the play offs, he was like fourteen. Or in 2007, so four years ago.

But he was young and it was the first time he had been there.

Andrew Ference has a mouth on him and we love it. He says whatever he wants and gets away with it.

That's why he's fantastic.

Our taping ends with Brad Marchand.

He looks like a McCreeper with the beardy weirdy and muzzy. But what can we say? If he's scoring, who cares what he looks like.


Thank you for joining us on our yearly Media Day recaps. You know we love them.